Nil Points

How to win Eurovision

We should pay James Blunt to walk on barefoot dressed in jeans and tee shirt, with dangly bits and a bushman’s hat. He should sit on a stool with his guitar with a backing group of London street style singers and sing a song entitled -

Nil Points.

This is a losing song. I am a former British tank commander and though I saved most of your from tyranny you are not going to vote for me so I don’t even have to sing in tune because this is a losing song. I am singing the losing song and I don’t care because I am a Brit and we win everything else. We invented Eurovision, and we pay a quarter of the running costs, we invented soccer and tennis but you will not vote for me because this is the losing song. If we won we would have to host next year’s do in London and frankly we have enough fabulous events in London already so I am singing the losing song. Give me nil points, please give me nil points! You might take this contest seriously but frankly, come on, it is a farce so I am singing the losing song. Lots of people make lots of money making up costumes and lighting and shoes but what’s the point because I am singing the losing song for you tonight. I could do a change in key right now, I can do that, and then sink back to the starter one but who cares what I sing, this is the losing song.

After 1.5 minutes of that he could end with, thank you and goodnight, take a quick bow and walk off.

It doesn’t need to have timing or rhythm or a tune, because it is the losing song. Nil Points.